I have to do better. Not doing better is not an option. At the beginning of November i'm going to begin a diet plan, including fasts. I'm wondering if I should start out with a one-day fast or two-day. I'm also going to get a gym membership in November.

Gods, i'm scared to weigh myself tomorrow. If I haven't lost any weight I shouldn't eat at all tomorrow. I shouldn't anyway. I need to learn to like the feeling of hunger. I used to. I can get there again.

But anyway, starting in November, along with the fasts (is one a week too drastic, not if it's just one day?) I want to severely restrict my calorie intake. I got some crystal light so that should be great for fast days too. No more than 500 calories a day sounds good.

I lost half a pound! Good I guess, it's losing and not gaining, but I wish it was a whole pound.

I have two followers! Your comments are lovely and insightful, and I really appreciate you guys.

This week is going to be hard because this town has an annual event, a carnival and parades and all kinds of stuff. And food vendors. Delicious, sinful, outrageously priced food. I don't know how i'm going to stand it. I'm going to have to purge if I eat otherwise all those empty calories are going to be absorbed and that's a lot of calories.

I've been sereously thinking about smoking meth at the beginning of November to compensate. It's not even for the high, but because I know it'll make me not eat for at least one day, probably two. And if it's really good, maybe even three. It's been almost 10 months since i've done it though, and I don't want to do it over something stupid like weight loss. But I keep thinking about it. Imagining how much weight i'd lose, and it would also shrink my stomach and then I would be able to eat less.

I get my Adderall at the beginning of the month, and that makes me not hungry too though, so maybe I should just stick to that. It's not the same though. With meth you can't eat, for days.

I went grocery shopping with my mom last night and got lots of healthy low-cal foods. Low-fat yogurts and string cheese will be good for calcium.

I fucked up today already. I had four mini powdered donuts and a mini tootsie roll. Later when I get off work i'm going to have a yogurt or a string cheese and that's it. I want to weigh less tomorrow!

I weighed myself this morning. 157 lbs.! I've lost one lb. so far! It's not much, but it's a start. I've eaten cheddar chex mix today. Too much, but still under 400 calories. That's it for today. No more. That's a good start, I think.

Hopefully tomorrow i'll have lost another pound.

I want to weigh 140 at the end of December. I think I can do that. I'm wondering if I should start purging. It's just so addicting. You do it once and you want to keep doing it, every chance you get. At least I do.

Intro

I'm starting this blog because i'm sick and tired of my current weight. I weigh 158 lbs. now, the most i've ever weighed. I don't think it'll be THAT hard (I hope) to lose weight, since playing around with disordered eating is a big part of my past. I haven't been (obviously!) Not Eating or Purging in quite a while though. I think I was in 4th grade the first time I made myself throw up. And off and on through the years i've played around with not eating and purging and lost huge amounts of weight, even having people comment that I looked sick and like I was on drugs.

I want to get there again.  This blog is going to be separate from my regular LiveJournal, a private thing I don't want to be shamed or critiqued for.

I don't want to develop a full-blown eating disorder. I just want to lose weight. Alot of weight.

I have a pretty fucked-up history. I'm diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, as well as Anxiety Disorder. I used to be severely depressed and suicidal and cut myself regularly. I also, later, developed a problem with crack and then later did meth frequently. I haven't done any hard drugs for about ten months now and it's been a long time since i've cut.